I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Everyone says I win the strip club
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
