new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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