I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
