My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
