you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
