when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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