please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
