meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
