I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
