end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
