I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
