6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
