nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
