I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
the raccoons are back...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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