i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
