why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
