3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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