I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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