How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
