i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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