They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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