Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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