you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
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I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
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I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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