Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
