Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
