dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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