There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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