I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
