Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
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3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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