Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
