Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
