So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
