I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
