I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
