My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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