You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
