Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
