i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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