Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
