Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
