just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
