This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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