My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
