I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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