She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
