u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I am naked and annoyed.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
