OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
