someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
