I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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