So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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