arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
