I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
All I want is dick and wine.
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