Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
