There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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