Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
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What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
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Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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