I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
