Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
