Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
