You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
