After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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