I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Randomize
