I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
